Change happens every moment of every hour of every day of our lives. Most of the time, it doesn’t even register and we navigate it seamlessly without a second thought. But, when abrupt, unexpected, or larger shifts occur—job loss or transition, relationship changes, relocating—it can feel overwhelming, especially when multiple life events happen at once.
Change interrupts familiar processes and routines. It requires us to fundamentally shift the way we think and act. Even when we have the ability to set a strategy and timeline in advance to keep us moving forward, the plan can go awry. When it’s unexpected, we can be left feeling unprepared and vulnerable.
The time we spend in this in-between, as I like to call it, can start to feel overwhelming and disheartening as we crave resolution and routine. What was familiar is gone and what comes next hasn’t quite taken shape. But, rest assured, the messy middle is part of the change process. And, how we approach it can shape the experience.
So, when you find yourself sitting in the messiness of the in-between, here are some ways to move through it with a little more clarity and compassion:
Remind yourself that transitions are only temporary.
This is merely one part of one chapter in the novel of your life. It’s human instinct to want to know the when and how right away. We are creatures of habit and routine who may crave spontaneity but dislike disruption. Resolution to big problems rarely comes quickly. And that’s okay. Taking longer than you hoped doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Keep putting in the work while holding space for the outcome to unfold in ways you may not have planned.
Challenge the narrative you are writing.
The instability and insecurity of the messy middle can leave plenty of room for us to fill in the blanks, and we can be our harshest critics. Job seekers can start to feel inadequate and believe that they are incapable or unqualified. When a relationship status changes, even if you instigated it, the absence can make you think being partnered and discontent is better than being single and sad. Before you accept that narrative as yours, ask yourself what you actually know and what you are assuming. Uncertainty about your future doesn’t mean you are incapable of moving forward with confidence.
Take ownership of what you can influence.
When change happens abruptly or all at once, we can start feeling out of control of our lives. It can feel as though we are just passengers on a bus waiting for a stop that may never come. That feeling can influence our mood, leading to indifference and inaction. But, there are plenty of spaces where we still have a say. Look for them, no matter how small they are. These microsteps and decisions may not create profound outcomes, but they can give us a sense of stability and structure. So, take ownership where you have influence and power to choose what happens in your day and next chapter.
Lean into the ambiguity.
This can feel counterintuitive when all we want is a little certainty. You don’t have to love the unknown to get curious about it. What do you have room to do or try? Who do you have space to connect with? When the stability you seek arrives, you might find yourself missing the flexibility and possibilities which the unknown ushered in. Rest assured, life will start life-ing again. So, find ways to make the transition into an adventure or experiment as you create a new path forward.
Embrace the fact you are not alone.
It can be easy to get caught in the woe-is-me trap. But, as I tell my clients all the time—you are one of a kind, and fortunately your problems are not. You don’t have to figure out everything alone. All around the world people are experiencing situations similar to yours. That doesn’t mean your problems aren’t real and legitimate. It just means that this is all part of the shared human experience. Reach out to someone who has been through it or ask someone you trust for support where it is needed.
Change is difficult. There’s no avoiding it. And the messy middle can feel daunting and all-consuming when the newness has worn off and the certainty you seek seems so far away. Yet, it’s all part of the lived experience—the beauty and frustration of being human—and we all have to go through it from time to time.
As much as I wish there were some mastermind guidebook to get us through, there’s not. But, if you find yourself dwelling in these periods of confusion and overwhelm, it’s good to remember that you don’t have to have all of the answers to keep moving forward. These are just pages in your book of life, not your forever story.
Until next time, y’all be patient out there.
